TL:DR: I might be depressed for a number of reasons and I'm scared that I'll never be able to feel happy (Or anything as a matter of fact) again.

Okay, so i'm back again, And my mental healths not doing good at all right now. I feel absolutely nothing, like a painful numbness that stays around and it's been around for quite some time like about more than 2 weeks I believe. I've been losing interest in talking on discord, being on social media, playing games, etc. I constantly feel like a burden to others and like I might have depression (Key word: Might) for a bunch of reasons.

1st, my fear that any of my friends will die, some of my friends have depression and I'm so afraid of the idea of losing someone I care about so much that I literally stay off of discord for multiple days sometimes due to anxiety spikes (I'm especially afraid of them giving up as i'm gonna call it since the real word is too serious for this platform, I'm really afraid of them doing this because i've had some really scary moments that have to do with the topic of giving up and I might actually have trauma because of this). I constantly miss my friends, but every time I feel like wanting to see them again, some horrible thought comes up like "What if someone you cared about died recently? What if they died and you could've saved them?" and I decide not to go onto Discord that day.

2nd, is that I feel like because of what I did on furry amino that got me banned so many months ago, even though I can come to Furry Z as a replacement for that, I fear that people on there will see me as that terrible person that I was a long time ago (Because some people that were on Furry Amino moved to Furry Z), I really regret doing what I did back in the day and I don't want to be seen as some irredeemable monster because honestly, I'm trying to be a better person everyday and now I always try to make sure not to say stupid things on the internet that would get me in trouble. I constantly feel like I deserved all the pain I got from doing what I did on there, even if people tell me otherwise.

3rd, I fear that I'll screw up so bad eventually that I'll get as they say, canceled and everyone will hate me for that forever and I can never start fresh because people are gonna say "Look, it's that person who *insert whatever screw up I made*!". Even if I apologize for the mistake I made, everyone's just gonna say my apology's ingenuine and throw me away into a hell of being seen as irredeemable, cruel and heartless. It's happened to other people, and it's probably gonna happen to me too. (This reason is related to the 2nd reason) This is why I never use twitter ever because if you're on there, its pretty much guaranteed you're gonna get canceled.

4th reason (possible but I'm not sure if its the case) is gender dysphoria that I've been feeling sometimes and only recently has it started to get bad. My chest started to hurt sometimes and right now its actually hurting at the time of writing this because of this stupid dysphoria thing and I hate it. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be a real woman because I look like a guy, but I know the only reasons why I look like a dude is cuz my country sucks, you'd probably get shot within a few days of being out as trans in here and also because my mom and dad might be transphobic but idk if they really are transphobic. (Don't send any hate to them cuz they're actually really nice and again, I don't know if they are transphobic!) I also feel like this because if I was born male, no matter what I do, I wouldn't be the same as a cis woman. (Hopefully I don't come off as transphobic, I just feel like even if I transitioned, I wouldn't be the same as a cis woman.)

I'm scared that I'll never truly be happy again. I actually heard recently that a lot of people don't get out of depression ever, which makes me feel hopeless and scared that my friends with depression and I will never be truly happy again. Sometimes I feel like there's only 1 way out of this hell, and it's not pretty, but I don't end up taking that way out because I'm scared as to what might happen if I do end up going that route. What if my suffering doesn't end after doing that? I always been taught that if you give up, you go to hell and suffer forever. I don't believe that because its unfair that people who give up suffer forever. But a huge reason whyI don't give up is because what if I get proven otherwise?

But whatever, I'm gonna try to make more happier posts because I don't want you guys to be miserable, but no promises because I might still feel like shit and because of that I'd still make sad posts.